A Wonderful Day

We are having an absolutely wonderful day today. I have been struggling within myself and as a mother over the last month or so. I think it is because most nights, I get up to one or both of my children at least twice. Sometimes it can be up to six times and I think I have a major sleep deficit as a result. I was honest with my family and some friends and it has really helped. They have been so so helpful, particularly, my in-laws. I have had plenty of time out to myself which has been very rejuvenating.

Today is about the fifth day in a row where I haven’t felt like I’ve been struggling and it is feels very positive. Today has been simple but really lovely. I didn’t have the best sleep last night. My little bunny woke up a number of times for feeds and I was concerned about my niece who is unwell in hospital. I came back from dropping my husband into town and I tore a hole in my car’s tyre. Yet I felt really positive. I decided not to go back to bed after dropping hubby off. I had my cup of tea on my own and spent some time checking my emails. I even ended up having breakfast on my own before the bunnies woke up. Perhaps that time on my own this morning helped?

The little bunnies were happy as they always are when they awaken in the morning. They had a slow but relaxed and cuddly breakfast. Big Bunny watched a couple of his favourite shows and Little Bunny played whilst I had a shower. The little bunny went down easily for her morning nap (which is normally on the run because we tend to go out most mornings) and slept for two hours. I had the most beautiful time with my big bunny whilst little one slept. We cleaned the kitchen together, went for a bike ride up and down our little road, we watched the NRMA mechanic change our tyre and hopefully both learned something, we practised how to catch a ball, pottered around the yard and had a jump on the trampoline. It was really nice and special as it’s hard to give one-on-one attention to both of my children. When the little bunny woke up we went down to visit our mechanic who said he could fix our car after our shopping. Big bunny was quite cute as he recalled that the mechanic normally has his dogs in his office and proceeded to play in their empty cage. We did our groceries and both little ones had a great time. They both love pushing the buttons at the supermarket which make cow and chicken noises. We arrived back at the mechanic and had a picnic on the grass whilst the tyres were being changed. Big bunny delighted in watching the car moving up and down on the big trolley and watching the tyres being changed. Little bunny enjoyed eating the grass and rubbing her food in the dirt. Now we are home and Little Bunny is sound asleep and Big Bunny is supposed to be napping but I can hear him playing in his room.

I don’t know whether it is the gorgeous autumn weather or if I’ve just had some relief because I’ve pinpointed my stuff is around sleep deprivation but it has been a really, really lovely day and I am so grateful for my new headspace.

P.S. I don’t know if anyone is reading this blog but it sure is nice and clarifying to type my thoughts out. The idea around this is that it is more of a diary than a blog I’m going to actively promote. However if there is someone out there reading, “Hello”.

A Good Reminder

I was feeling a bit down and downright angry the other day. I felt like there are people in my life who are close to me who don’t get what I need from them to help with my two children. I expected that because I was doing something for them (and plan to in the near future) that they would give me an extra hand with the children. I felt really sad that this person put their needs ahead of mine (which is completely understandable but didn’t help me at the time with how I was feeling or juggling my two babies). I also came to the realisation that these people tend to only want to be with myself and my family when things get tough for them but not when everything is rosy. It was a really hard realisation.

I read this blog post by The Chameleon Scholar “http://elligrien.wordpress.com/2014/02/11/happy-travels-i-will-not-miss-you/ and it really touched me. She said, “You are no one’s sun, and although you may shine brightly in their skies, ultimately their lives revolve (as they should!) around themselves.” Im so glad I read it. It is very true; we are wrapped up in our own lives and I need to come to that realisation that people don’t always think about me. Now every time I wish that someone would help me out more, I think about The Chameleon Scholar’s comment and it’s a good reminder. Perhaps if I’m feeling overwhelmed with the challenges of having two small children and I need help, I just need to ask and be honest with people.

sun and stars

Yucky Mama Moments

There are moments that I have as a mama that I find really yucky. It’s not about my children, they’re just being normal babies, but it’s my reaction to their normality.

This morning was one of those moments and I have found it really hard to move through it today. Mr. Playful and I have always struggled over mealtimes. I get very frustrated with what I perceive to be him not eating enough and he senses that frustration and reacts to it. Intellectually I know that when I react negatively to Mr. Playful, especially around food, I am not teaching him how to regulate his emotions and I am creating a difficulty around meals. In the moment, I find it hard to regulate myself. I’m trying to learn how to do this and I am capable of it but sometimes I don’t seem to be able to. Then I spend a lot of energy being angry and disappointed in myself about my reactions and it affects the rest of the day.

I know that there are lots of issues that contribute to my inability (at times) to self-regulate. It’s feeling guilty about something, wanting to change an aspect of my life, anger at my husband, sadness for others, thinking ahead, not having enough time to myself…..the list is endless. I’m not great at living in the moment.

Hence why I have started this blog, to be accountable to myself by articulating how I’m feeling and hopefully, I will gain the skills to self-regulate more effectively.

New to Blogging

This is my first ever blog. My goal for this blog is to try to become a better person. I am currently on a journey to discover who I am.

I’m a relatively new mummy but this has always been a part of who I am. From a very young age, I knew that my role in life was to be a mama. The urgency to become a mum happened when I held my nephew for the first time when I was eighteen. It was such a special moment holding this tiny little boy who was only a day or two old. I could not wait to “grow up” and be blessed with my own baby. It frustrated me that I still had to complete my HSC, then university and all of those other things that were ideal to do before beginning the parenting journey. I was already fortunate enough to have fallen in love and started a relationship with the man (boy) I knew would be the father of my children.

Now here I am having done all of those things that my husband and I wanted to have ticked and we are now parents to two little bunnies. I have discovered that it isn’t perfect and that I am not perfect at it and I’m learning to become at peace with that. I hate that some days I react badly to my toddler’s needs. I hate that some days I am so exhausted that I find it hard to be the loving, caring mama that I know I am. So this begins my journey of finding the mama I want to be and the person that I am.